Strengths and Values

I like stopping life once a quarter and getting away to think.  I call it my Quad-2 Time.  Quad 2, according to Covey, are the important but non-urgent things.  I use it to evaluate my life: how has it been and where is it going?  Did I meet my 90-day goals?  Wave a magic wand and how does it look? Next quarter?  50 years from now?  All good things – and just for fun: a great excuse to go somewhere exotic!

This particular trip was to South-East Asia, specifically Hong Kong and Shanghai.  I was in the process of forming my identity as an adult.  I’d long ago discovered my personality as an ENTJ.  StrengthsFinder gave me words for my strengths such as Context, Strategic, Achiever, Self-Assurance, and Responsibility.

These were great, but I wanted more.  I find Strengths, like Technology, to be agnostic.  I can use Technology for Good or for Evil.  I think the same about Strengths.  It's what I do with my Strengths that I find most interesting.

One day my friend quipped “What you build with your strengths, you can destroy with your character.”  Hmm … what is my character?  What are my values?  It dawned on me that I needed to know both my Strengths and my Values.  I wanted to articulate them to others, but more than this, I wanted to recognize them in others.  Unfortunately there’s no easy web-test for this.  To complete my vision quest, I’d have to look inside.

I knew I could rattle off a list of values I held dearly, but were there core values underneath?  I watched myself make decisions.  I realized there were certain phrases I’d remind myself of as I was making the decision.  For instance, when I was irked I’d remind myself: “you can measure a man by what makes him angry.”  Then I’d try to calm down.  I figured if these were already in my head, I may as well carry a piece of paper and jot it down when one emerged.  I also listed major experiences I’d had in life and challeged myself asking: “what are 10 lessons I learned from each?"  By the time I got to Hong Kong, I had over 300 such “proverbs.”

I wandered around Hong Kong, sat by the pool, and reviewed my list.  I boiled it down to two values: Integrity and Continuous Improvement.

I’ll discuss what these mean to me later, but I’m curious – what are your strengths and values?

Gestalt

Gestalt! That’s what they yell at you in angry-sounding German when you violate protocol.

I had just joined EO – the Entrepreneurs' Organization aka Business Club. We were being trained on how EO does small groups called Forum. Take your typical business owner – they’re used to running the show. Put a group of them together, and you have instant chaos. Everyone telling everyone else what to do.

Except that doesn’t happen because Forum follows Gestalt. In Forum, a person actually volunteers to yell “Gestalt” at everyone. The premise is you speak from your experience – period. There’s a great Wall Street Journal article on EO and Forum called Entrepreneurial 'Therapy': Deals, Divorce, Downsizing.

Each meeting, the group provides feedback to several presenters on a problem. The feedback must be of the form “I had this experience; these were the steps I took to deal with the problem” For instance, if I present on “I’d like to purchase a domain name, but I lack the cash; what are some alternatives to a direct purchase?” Good Gestalt allows “I’m a car broker. When our customers can’t purchase the car, we finance it for them”

Oh, beautiful. That’s your experience. I can’t argue with your experience. I may disagree with it. I may find it stupid, useless, and contradictory, but I cannot argue with it. That’s like arguing with the statement “I went to high school in Fargo, North Dakota” Who is anyone to argue with that? You’re arguing with facts in my life. It’s unarguable. So that's how it’s beautiful there. I can now choose to learn from that person’s experience and decide whether to negotiate a lease.

It’s also a fantastic method to communicate without being liable. Let’s say I’m presenting on how to save legal fees and someone says “I never take my lawyer to court.” I may decide that’s a great idea and not take my lawyer to court; if I lose the case, I can hardly go back and blame my friend. My friend didn’t tell me “don’t take your lawyer.” No. My friend said “I never take my lawyer.” I decided that applied to me. It was my decision.

Gestalt is akin to I messages, but more intense. With I messages I can get away with “I think you should”, but now I’m in the Gestalt Gray Zone. It’s tough following Gestalt. Sometimes I come up with something really helpful, but I just made it up; I never experienced it first-hand. I may try to couch it with “In my opinion…“ or “If I were you…” but I’m back in the Gestalt Gray Zone. Sometimes it even becomes “You should…” welcome to the Gestalt Really-Gray Zone. No “I woulds” and no “You shoulds”

I found it so powerful that I apply it to my personal life as well. It allows me to communicate stories from my life to friends and family without impugning on their sense of self.

The short of this is: if you see me use a lot of first person, I’m not narcissistic, I’m just following Gestalt. How about you? What communication protocols have you found most effective and why?